Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
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purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir