Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
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Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I’m not sorry.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there