Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
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“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.