Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

Bring back the McRib

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.