Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
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detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
i baked you a cake
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me