Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
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“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong