Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
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MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Home #decor warning.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Home is where your toilet is.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
the dark web is just a goth google.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English