Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
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Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”