Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
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Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
The USS B port
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers