Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

hackers play passwordle

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.