Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
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It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.