After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Did you know that the new iPhone 5 helps people lose weight? When you pay for it you can’t afford to eat for a month.
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Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”