Finally
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Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.