@KattWillliams

Did you know that the new iPhone 5 helps people lose weight? When you pay for it you can’t afford to eat for a month.

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@meganamram

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

@neiltyson

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

@markedly

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

@ericsshadow

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

@Marlebean

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

@QwertyJones3

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

@HomeProbably

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

@JenAshleyWright

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

@PaperWash

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”