@KattWillliams

Did you know that the new iPhone 5 helps people lose weight? When you pay for it you can’t afford to eat for a month.

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@upsidedowntrash

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

@amydillon

[sits next to friend in a coma, holding her hand]

“Squeeze once if that’s an 8 at the end of your HBO Go password.”

@elisemarie91

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

@jjhartinger

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

@TheHyyyype

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

@Lerky

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

@CulturedRuffian

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

@trentistweeting

[playing limbo at Gary’s house]
GARY: how low can you go?
*i sleep with Gary’s wife*
GARY: wow, that is pretty low

@DirtMcTurd

Just reported a car stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the window were white