After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Did you know that the new iPhone 5 helps people lose weight? When you pay for it you can’t afford to eat for a month.
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[sits next to friend in a coma, holding her hand]
“Squeeze once if that’s an 8 at the end of your HBO Go password.”
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
[playing limbo at Gary’s house]
GARY: how low can you go?
*i sleep with Gary’s wife*
GARY: wow, that is pretty low
Life cycle of cat
Just reported a car stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the window were white