Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
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doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.