Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
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Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Social Media and Real life
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Life is a suicide mission.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you