Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
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me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Always
hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.