Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
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If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
I used to be married, but I’m better now
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
A duv-egg? In this economy?
