Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
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I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10