Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
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Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she