Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

Secret Panel HERE 🤘

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?