Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
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“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Brands during Pride
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
two people or more is called a problem
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.