Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
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If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Great Canadian literature.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I will never stop laughing at this
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?