Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious