Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
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Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
every single time
Note to self: always read the final line
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Natty or not?
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…