@StellaRtwot

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

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@djr_102

Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.

@blade_funner

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

@aysashaya

Strip search? … OK, but I’m going to need some background music.

@ColorMeScradd

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

@caithuls

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I‚Äôm in less] and Easy ūüôā

@HenpeckedHal

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

@pantsfaced

In a recent sleep study performed by clowns 9 out of 10 people didn’t even know they were being watched.

@HappyHijabbi

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too