Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
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78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now