Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

“Huge”.

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this