Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
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You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one