Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By Kate Hatos

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.