Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
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Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Well, this is awkward
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.