Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
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[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
My sex drive has a dui
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕