Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
You Might Also Like
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
tag yourself
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.