Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
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don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.