Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
You Might Also Like
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.