Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
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I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.