did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
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Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Bear knowledge
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
