Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.