Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Meow
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how