Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

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Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?


Maybe I shouldn’t have spent all my time and money in my 20ies on drugs, festivals and partying… but the memories will last forever

Friend: Tell me your favorites

Me: Oh I don’t remember any of those years


It’s easier to travel back in time and stop yourself from being born than it is to delete your Facebook account.


This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned


My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”


Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.


I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.