@primawesome

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

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@velvettusk

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

@filmswithcora

Maybe I shouldn’t have spent all my time and money in my 20ies on drugs, festivals and partying… but the memories will last forever

Friend: Tell me your favorites

Me: Oh I don’t remember any of those years

@Schmoodles

It’s easier to travel back in time and stop yourself from being born than it is to delete your Facebook account.

@MiddleageM

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

@PinkCamoTO

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

@ramjitsingh_

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.