Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
