Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing