Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
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Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?