Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

Is this a threat?

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra