Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows