Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
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Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger