There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
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I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
The sacred texts.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person