Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
You Might Also Like
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
not to brag, but mine was free
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Me trying to reach for my goals
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
