Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)

Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.

9: You were alive back then?

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

No thanks, toilets that flush.

-kids

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.