Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.