did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
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Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.