did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
You Might Also Like
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
What
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.