Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

Air conditioning – not a fan

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope

“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.