Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.

gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard