Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no