Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
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Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Cardio Made Easy
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?