Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
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[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
No flush
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.