Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
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[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I gave up going to work for lent.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.