Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.