Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
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I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.