Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:

* Hot buttery death!

* HR will hear about this!

* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!

* Brenda!

* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*

Me: Not interested.

*driving by hot chick*

Me: Maybe just a quick glance.

*driving by any home with an open garage*

Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.

Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?

Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.