Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

I’m not wrong

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

My girlfriends good traits :

She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.

Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

I wish I could veto my bills.

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro