Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
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A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test