Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
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I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Lmao
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again