Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
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Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
still the best tweet of the year by far
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
This tweet has been deleted
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
money maker
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok