Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
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I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Whoa… oh I see lol
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded