Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

found my next D&D character name

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.