Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

Somewhere in an alternate universe

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.