Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
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I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
This guy’s not having it 😆
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Aaaa…CHOO!
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
No, YOUR illiterate.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.