Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
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found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Every work meeting this week
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.