Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
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ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
good morning
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s