Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
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date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
