Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
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“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.