CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
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Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
That de-escalated quickly
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Every photo I’m tagged in
Liquor Store Parking
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client