“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
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If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped