“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
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Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
🙂🐾
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go