“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
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Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
When your best mate counts as a desk too
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
quarantine day 3
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
