Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

This hospital has everything

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

<- sleeps well with others

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT