Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

orange cat behavior

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.

JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

OH. COME. ON.

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

This meal prepping shit easy

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.