Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.

I jiggled the change in my pocket.

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

hey, alexa

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

Best seat on the street 😍

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!

Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.