“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
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EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?
The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
nobody’s gonna understand
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Happy Febuary everyone!
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?