Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

Pot warmers of the day.

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:

“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”