Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.

~ whiskey

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!

The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way