Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

Get in loser, we’re going overthinking

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

It’s kids. I have kids.

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

I already tried new things thanks.

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.