“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
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I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
So true for me
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.