“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
You Might Also Like
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.